We've gotten a lot of nice comments from our friends and family about how we're handling the mechanical parts of this, attacking the issues, scheduling things, seeking out treatments, etc. We do this to stay busy and try to maintain a patina of control. It's in our nature.
But...
I don't get to participate in my own surgery. I'm gonna show up to the hospital on Thursday morning, and by lunch I'm going to be done, having done nothing active on my own part to help. This weirds me out a bit. It's not that I don't trust my surgeon to do a good job. Far from it, in fact. He seems like the most competent, skilled person I have ever met and will ever meet in my life. These are the kind of folks I like to surround myself with. These are the kinds of folks we like to hire at TACC. These are my friends. I spend much of my day standing in offices kibitzing about problems while we iterate towards solutions. This is how I work.
I don't get to do this with my surgeon.
I'm gonna show up Thursday, count back from 10, and wake up with a headache. There's going to be a couple additional hours missing from my timeline again, and I've got nothing to say about it. Far more than the 5 stages of grief, far more than the possible risks of brain surgery, I'm bothered by the fact I don't get to play along. I'm a learner. I want to know how his tools and instruments work. Where he's going to cut and why. Which parts he'll keep. What goes. What's intuition and what's science. And throughout this experience, I'm going to get practically zero insight into this part. I may have to turn to YouTube for help.
Most people are not interested in seeing this, and at least one friend turned white and had to go outside while Shannon and I discussed head surgery the other day. But, I WANT TO KNOW! I'm pretty sure this is not normal and a sign that there's something wrong with me (besides the tumor).
I'd be surprised if you WEREN'T trying to know and learn every detail of your surgery! :-) It's scary when you don't have control over something like this and all you can do is put your faith and trust into another human being. It sounds like you have a good medical team and a great support system. I had Heri put up the images of your brain on Stallion the other day when I visited the vislab......pretty cool!
ReplyDeleteI'd be surprised if you WEREN'T trying to know and learn every detail of your surgery! :-) It's scary when you don't have control over something like this and all you can do is put your faith and trust into another human being. It sounds like you have a good medical team and a great support system. I had Heri put up the images of your brain on Stallion the other day when I visited the vislab......pretty cool!
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